


Loving Number 5

by mich_22wolves



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-11
Updated: 2020-04-11
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:40:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23594728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mich_22wolves/pseuds/mich_22wolves
Summary: Whether it is for Stanford or Sky Blue, you are always looking for number 5. You listen to her post-game interviews, her podcasts, you read reviews about her playing. You tell Lindsey it's because you can still learn from her, but she knows it's bullshit.Sonnett and Kelley meet when they are both just kids in Georgia and try to keep their relationship intact while growing up.
Relationships: Kelley O'Hara/Emily Sonnett
Comments: 5
Kudos: 92





	Loving Number 5

**Author's Note:**

> Hope y'all will enjoy this and everyone is healthy.   
> Side note: I did change everyones age a little.  
> Again, feel free to tell me any mistakes concerning language in the comments, I'm happy to learn.

"We'd like you to play a year up." Back when this first happened, you were shocked. Leaving teammates and coaches behind you knew so well was hard, and you thought that if you failed, your career would be over. But you are playing two years up already. And you never failed. So it wouldn't hurt to try again. The only thing you are concerned about is the social aspect of it all. The older your teammates got, the harder it was to relate to them. Back when you were still playing with kids your age, you'd hang out after practice, have sleepovers and all that stuff. Now it's mostly a professional relationship. Everyone seems to like you, you perform well, but you never get invited to anything. You're a child in their eyes. 

Your first day is... strange. It always is. People expect you to be the next Messi, the next Maradonna, just because you play a few years up. It's like you have to prove yourself to them, to be deemed worthy of their time. When your coach introduces you, you take the time to take a good look at the girls standing in a circle around you. It is super obvious that they are older, most of them are sixteen or seventeen. And almost all of them could outmuscle you in a heartbeat. You know that this is why they put you in here. To see if your technical skills are good enough to compensate for your physiological inferiority. You are up for the challenge. There is a girl that sticks out though. She is short, shorter than you, wearing pants with the number 5 on them. You decide to keep an eye on her.

Coach makes that easy for you. Kelley O'Hara plays defense as well and is tasked with getting you warmed up. To the group, the team, the backline. "You look young." She doesn't say it like it's a negative thing. It's just an observation. "Yeah. I'm fourteen." Now you feel stupid. But Kelley just smiles. "Cute. C'mon, let's warm up together, we'll be best friends in no time." 

Kelley already has a best friend. Alex, stunning, tall, intimidating, talented as hell. Every time you have to defend against her in practice, you want to cry. It's unfair. But she's not the only one making it hard for you. It's only your second day when you have to do some 1 on 1 defending against Tobin, another one of Kelley's close friends. After seemingly 5 seconds, you end up on the floor, looking after Tobin, who is dribbling the ball past you into the net with ease. Before you have time to be frustrated about it, Kelley is by your side. "It happens to all of us at one point." 

She might be getting paid by the coach. "Please, Sonny, be my roommate." Your first game with them is an away game. You sit alone on the bus, not wanting to intrude. And after Kelley told Alex that she'd be roommates with you, Alex has been shooting daggers at you. You know better than to get on her bad side. Tobin flops into the seat next to you. You must give her an odd look, cause her face turns concerned for a minute. "Can I not sit here?" "Of course you can!" So maybe you sound a little panicky. You can't help it. They are all older and cooler than you, no wonder you are intimidated. "I just thought you'd have someone else to sit with." Tobin shrugs. "Nah." Suddenly Kelley is peeking over the seat in front of you. "She would love to sit with Christen, but she doesn't have the balls." She is wearing a teasing smirk and you think this might be what the devil looks like. 

Turns out Tobin would like to sit with Christen if the way that she keeps staring at her is anything to go by. And you don't want to interrupt her... observations, so you decide to take a nap. But Kelley doesn't let you. It can't have been more than five minutes before you feel someone repeatedly poking your nose. When you open your eyes, her hazel ones come into view immediately. "What do you want?", you groggily ask. "I was just heading to the bathroom, but you looked so adorable, I just couldn't resist." The devil indeed. 

You've had a lot of roommates. But never ever have you been nervous about sleeping in a room with them, with having alone time. And you know where it comes from instantly. You are attracted to Kelley. It might be the first time that you are into another woman, but the revelation doesn't surprise you. It feels a little like you've always known. And it's not like you have feelings for her. She is just ridiculously good looking and you are a teenager. You figure that everyone your age has these... thoughts. You are already lying on your bed in sweatpants and a loose shirt when Kelley comes out of the bathroom. In shorts and a sports bra. Your first instinct is to look away, your second is to keep staring. Your third impulse is to make a dumb comment. That one wins. "Could you wear any less clothes?" Kelley raises her eyebrows. You grow red. Why did you say that again? "Oh, you better believe I can, but you couldn't handle it." You think she might be right.

You have a game tomorrow. You should truly be asleep. But Kelley somehow sat down on your bed instead of her own and you have been talking ever since. "Slippers are stupid as hell. You need your feet to feel the ground, the grass, everything mother nature made!" Kelley is growing more passionate by the second, a strange thing considering the irrelevance of the discussed topic. "But they keep me from getting cold. And the floor can be dirty and full of bacteria. And the grass will just get my socks stained." "Barefoot. Can you believe that concept? Come on, whenever we played soccer as kids, it was always barefoot. It's the most fun that way." 

You continue to argue like that for ten more minutes. "We should sleep. If coach were to find out I kept the kid awake, she would have my head." "She would probably assume that it was my fault." Kelley laughs. "No way. Coach thinks I'm the biggest troublemaker in the world. If I wasn't a starter, I think she'd love to kick me off the team." You've watched Kelley play a lot. Coach told you to observe her in training. Her defensive instinct is incredible, she seems to be at the right place at the right time always. And her creativity when it comes to driving the ball forward is unique. You have no doubt she has colleges lining up for her.

"We're doing a bonfire night. You wanna come?" You love this team. You'd consider most of them friends. Still, you didn't think you'd get invited to anything ever. Yeah, you are fifteen now, but it changes practically nothing. Kelley is eighteen. An adult. And still, she has been spending a good amount of her spare time with you. "Who is 'we'?" "Alex, Tobin, Ash, Ali... just the team. You can bring a friend if you want." "You are my friend." The statement feels dumb as hell. Like someone took your brain and shot it to the moon. Kelley still smiles. "I would hope so."

You bring Lindsey. She has been listening to you talk about Kelley for almost a year now, so when you mention that Kelley invited you to bring a friend she practically forces you to take her. "I want to see why you are so in love with her.", Lindsey says while pulling her shirt over her head. You kick one of your shoes at her. "I'm not in love with her." You aren't. At least you are fairly certain. You have no idea what being in love feels like. "Well, then I want to see if she's hot or not." You're not getting out of this one.

Kelley runs at you the second you arrive. She hugs you far too hard and you feel like you can't breathe. Lindsey is already smiling like the idiot she is. "Sonny, you brought company." "Yeah, Kelley this is Lindsey." Before Lindsey can extend her hand, Kelley has her wrapped in a hug as well. It only occurs to you then that Kelley might be a bit tipsy. "It's nice to meet a friend of Emily's. I was beginning to think I was her only one." And then there is that smile on Lindsey's face. It tells her that she won't like what's coming next. "It's nice to meet you too. Sonny has told me so much about you." Wow... what are friends for again? "Oh really? I always knew you were obsessed with me, Em." Kelley skips back to the fire, where you can already make out a bunch of your teammates. "Oh, this is going to be fantastic... Em." You punch Lindsey's shoulder before making your way over to your friends to say hi.

"Okay, Sonny, truth or dare?" You really did think that this game was only played by people your age. Apparently not. "Truth." Ash pouts. "You are no fun. But fine. Are you gay?" In this environment, this question truly doesn't scare you. What does scare you is the way that Kelley's head snaps into your direction as soon as she hears the question. "Yeah, I am." Ashlyn leans over to give you a high five and makes a 'cheers' motion with her beer. Technically everyone is drinking underage right now, but you and Lindsey decided to stay completely sober. You did it mostly to keep your sanity. 

A few rounds later, you pick truth again. This time it's Kelley that groans. "Seriously Son? I thought you had balls." "Noone here has balls. It could be because we are all female. But that's just a theory." You get a few chuckles and a 'really' look from Kelley. "Hit me with a truth, Kell." You can hear Lindsey silently imitating your voice saying 'Kell'. You roll your eyes at her. "Have you ever kissed a girl?" "No." That one is a little harder to admit. So you get it out quickly. You get almost no reaction, and you are thankful for that. You did expect instant teasing from Kelley but it never comes.

Kelley is staring a hole through your head. "If you pick truth again Sonnett, I will make you look like a fool next practice." Alex is scary enough without threatening you, so you have no choice but to comply. "Alright, Jesus, dare." Her eyes become incredibly narrow and you think your heart might fall out of your ass when she looks over at Kelley. Lindsey catches it too, cause you can already hear her trying to keep back her laughter. "I dare you to kiss Kelley." Why did you ever think Alex would go easy on you. Lindsey has fallen off the log you are sitting on, laughing too hard to stay upright. Kelley looks... beautiful. But mostly, she seems to be unbothered. Which is weirdly relaxing. "Is she okay?" Tobin points to Lindsey. "Yeah... She's just an asshole. Laughing at other people's misfortune." Lindsey stops laughing just long enough to throw you under the bus completely. "Please, you don't think kissing Kelley is misfortune." Kelley's smile becomes wider by the minute. 

God, she has so many freckles. And she smells like alcohol. Which is not as unpleasant as it should be. "I'm just gonna give you a quick peck, ok? I don't enjoy making out in front of my friends." Does she want to make out with you? "I thought Emily had to kiss her. This seems more like the other way around.", Tobin says. You are wondering why Kelley won't just do it. She keeps staring at you, with her face incredibly close to yours. It just gives the others more time to make stupid comments. "Sonnett is totally a bottom though." It's Ashlyn who says it. You can hear her getting slapped on her arm. "She's fifteen Ash!" And that's Ali. You are brought back to the person in front of you when Kelley moves her hand to your cheek. "Ready?" You can just nod. She is treating you like the most fragile thing in the world and it's equal parts endearing and annoying. 

It is just a peck. But the gentleness and softness of the kiss still catch you off guard. Just feeling her face so close to you, her breath on your skin, is an incredibly nice feeling. It's over far too soon though. You try to smile at her, but it must look more like a grimace. 

You are in your head for the rest of the night. Every dare completed afterward passes by you. You barely register the conversations being held. You want to kiss her again. But for real. With actual feeling involved. And alone, without an audience. Lindsey left half an hour ago. Kelley promised to get you home unscathed. You wonder how she can be so sure when she is more out of it than you. It's because of the alcohol though. She has also made her way over to your log, taking the spot Lindsey vacated. But she is far closer to you than Linds was. She is practically leaning into you. "You wanna head home?", she whispers in your ear. You have to remind yourself that Kelley is three years older, 18, an adult. She doesn't want you the way you want her. "Yeah. If you want." 

Kelley has driven you home from practice a few times now, she doesn't live far. But walking you back is different. It's not like she'd pass your house anyway, she could be home far sooner if she'd just let you walk by herself. Not that you want her to. "Were you uncomfortable? Tonight, I mean. We asked a lot of very personal questions, and then there was the kiss... I never stopped to think about how you might feel about all of that." You were not expecting that. Kelley is always very considerate of your feelings, is checking in with you a lot. During practice or just in general. Which is probably why you've never felt uncomfortable around her. "No, it was fine. You guys are my friends. Were you uncomfortable? With the kiss?" It's a stupid question. Kelley loves attention. And she honestly seemed to be enjoying herself. "No. I just think it was a stupid kiss. Like, that barely counts." You don't know what to say about that. It's not like you have much to compare it to, this might have been the best kissing experience you've ever had. But that is probably just because it was Kelley kissing you, a person you are actually into. A little bit. Kelley interrupts your thoughts again. "Y'know... if you wanted to... I could give you a kiss that counts." 

Maybe you will die of a heart attack. Kelley is close to you again. It's a little different this time. Nobody is there to keep your mind occupied. And you are standing up, her hand is on your cheek again, the other on your hip. This time, you can feel the nervousness vibrating under your skin. Kelley can too. "We don't have to. It's just... an offer." She's being nice to you. This has nothing to do with feelings or whatever. She is doing you a favor. "I want to." You wonder if it's too open. But it's dark out, Kelley is tipsy, maybe honesty isn't all that bad.

It's so different. You can't tell if Kelley is showing off or if she is teaching you something. The way her lips move against yours is both gentle and determined. She is pushing you away and pulling you back in. And you can't do a thing. You have no idea what you are doing. It's like you're on a surfboard, just letting yourself be carried by the waves. You are feeling overwhelmed and like it's not enough at the same time. Your arms are still hanging loosely by your sides. When the skin of your hands finds Kelley's neck, she pulls away for a second, breathing. She can't stop now. Now that you've sprung into action. So this time it's you that moves in. She gasps, opens her mouth, and now how do you deal with that? She decides for you, captures your upper lip with her mouth and everything is warm. Warm and soft, and she tastes like alcohol, smells like summer, like sun and smoke. 

You daydream about it every second you don't have something better to do. And if you do have something better to do. You still dream about it when Kelley goes off to Stanford. Both of you are crying, leaning against the goal post on your club's soccer pitch. "I'm so proud of you." Kelley lets her head fall onto your shoulder. "Don't say stuff like that. It's gonna make it even harder to leave. Be an asshole to me, then I won't miss you so much." Nothing changed after the kiss. It was just a favor. A lesson of sorts. You've kissed more girls since. No one compared. Maybe it's because you romanticize that first kiss. Maybe it's because you still haven't met a girl more beautiful than Kelley. Maybe because Kelley was just the best kisser you have encountered so far. "You will miss me no matter what, don't lie to yourself." 

Texting Kelley is not the same. Calling Kelley is not the same. Kelley might not be the same. You haven't felt like a kid next to her in a long time, she's always treated you equal. But now, when you see her posting on Instagram about her college parties, soccer games, hot friends, you can't help but think that she doesn't seem to be missing you all that much. So you decide that it's better to not call at all than to have her on the phone, usually distracted by something or someone. You could say you lose touch. 

"Wait, Kelley is coming? I haven't seen her in ages!", Lindsey exclaims. Tobin is visiting Georgia quite often, hanging out with Lindsey and you. "Yeah, Christen is coming too!" Lindsey gives you a look. Like she is expecting a reaction. There is this party. In your town's little bar, it's every spring. It's like a requirement to go. But Kelley never came, not during the last two years. You figure that this is nothing compared to the Standford parties she attends. Tobin convinced her though. Well, she probably convinced Christen, who then convinced Kelley. "Can't wait to have the gang back together!" you sound too chipper. Lindsey knows you miss Kelley. It's not like you say it, ever. You barely allow yourself to think it. But she catches you sometimes, scrolling through her social media, looking at old photos of the two of you. And this has nothing to do with the minor crush you used to have on her. This is just missing Kelley, your teammate, your friend, someone you trusted. Lindsey and you did become very close, but she hasn't replaced Kelley. You don't think anyone ever could. But it hurts to see that you seem to be easily replaceable.

Pregaming is fun. Usually, you do it in larger groups. But Tobin took the next chance to see Christen again, and you are not quite ready to face Kelley yet. Not sober. You won't be able to get super drunk at the party, you are 18, so not legal to drink yet, but you are hoping that Tobin will sneak you a beer or two. Just to make sure though, you don't hold back with the shots Lindsey keeps pouring you. 

You arrive at the party and can barely convince the security guy at the door to let you in. He thinks you're too drunk. You think he is being a dick. Lindsey is trying to keep you from throwing insults at him. You have gathered a fun group, mostly people from school or your soccer team. You like all of them, Rose, Sam, but none of them were ever really close with you. Maybe because you hung out with the older girls so much. 

Speaking of older girls. You spot Tobin's '23' snapback immediately. She has her arm around Christen's waist. Kelley is trailing behind them. And God. Her Instagram photos don't do her justice. She's wearing a blue snapback, it's the first time you've seen her wear one and... it's doing things to you. Her black tank top is showing off her arms and maybe you need to do everything except looking at her. Cause you might explode if you do. 

You do a surprisingly good job with keeping away from Kelley. Lindsey can't believe it. "I honestly thought you would jump straight into her arms." You smirk. "I don't do anything straight." The alcohol has not worn off, Tobin has kept her promise to supply drinks for you. So you are dancing freely in a circle with Lindsey and your friends. Lindsey keeps glancing over your shoulder and you can only assume who she sees there. But you feel like you have a pretty good idea. For reasons unknown, she starts inching closer to you. You give her a questioning look and the smile Lindsey is wearing now can only be described as devilish. Before you can ask what the hell she is planning she shoves you back a little, making you stumble right into the person dancing behind you.

Of course, she catches you. Her arms are around your waist in the blink of an eye and you only have to look down and see the freckles to understand what Lindsey has done. Traitor. "Whoa. Emily, I didn't think you were that drunk already." God. Her voice. You never noticed it before, but now that you haven't heard it in a while, it makes you shiver. You turn around with her arms still around you. "Hello, Miss Kelley." To your defense, you are still drunk. She looks... older. And you decide that it's a good thing. Her jawline is more prominent, she has a nice tan, probably from chilling at the Californian beaches all day long. Yeah, you thought she was beautiful when you were 15, but 18-year-old you thinks she is pretty much the hottest woman on earth.

The hottest woman on earth has apparently noticed you staring at her face for 30 seconds. "Hello to you too Em. Long time no see." You haven't even noticed that she started to move to the beat of the music again. Her arms have loosened a bit, now resting comfortably on your hips. Not that that is doing anything to make you calmer. "Yeah... you look... good." You are an idiot. Why did you think that getting wasted when your teenage crush is coming to a party was a good idea? It's hard to focus on multiple things at once, hard to not focus on her hands slowly but surely making their way up your sides. "Thank you. California has been good to me. You don't look bad either though. You grew up a little." "So you're saying I looked bad when I was a kid? Before you abandoned me in Georgia?" You missed her mischievous grin so much. It makes you feel hot and cold all over. "Well, I kissed you, remember. I don't kiss unattractive people." Seriously, how could you ever forget?

You sure as hell will never forget this. Kelley has her back pressed against your front, grinding up on you, and you think you might die. All the moving and sweating has lowered your alcohol level a bit, and you have been too busy dancing to get new drinks. It bothers you a little that again, all you are doing is sitting in the passenger seat, letting Kelley drive. Maybe that's just the way you two work. Maybe you can change it. Your hands, that haven't left her hipbones for 20 minutes, are now moving to the front-pockets of her jeans, pulling her closer into you. You can barely see the way Kelley smirks at that. "Did they teach you to dance like this in Cali?", you whisper in her ear. Her head falls back on your shoulder for a second. Then she turns around. You move your hands to her back pockets, which she seems to appreciate. "Nobody needs to teach me how to dance. I think it's a natural talent, wouldn't you agree?" You didn't even notice that she pushed her leg against you, but now a shock wave of pleasure rushes through you. "Yeah.", you pant out. 

It's not like in the movies when after a drunken one-night-stand, you wake up disoriented with no clue where you are and who you slept with. The second you regain consciousness, you know instantly you slept with Kelley and you are currently alone in her childhood bedroom. You don't know if you should panic. Because maybe you have wanted this for a while. Maybe you thought about it... sometimes. And it actually happened. Lindsey is going to love this. But you don't know what it means. There were almost two years of radio silence between you two and now... you reunited in an atomic explosion. You have no idea how Kelley feels about this.

The second you know how she feels about it. "Em... Tobin is coming over in ten minutes. You need to leave." So you're not going to talk about it. "So this is gonna be a thing, huh? You kicking me out of your house." You feel so dirty. Wearing your sweaty clothes from last night, smelling like beer and Kelley. And now you are getting tossed away like a used condom. "Well, this isn't my house. And I'm gonna have friends over, so..." Kelley has her arms crossed over her chest and she looks closed off. You don't know why you feel the need to pick a fight now. You slept with the woman you were attracted to for years, and it was good. But you are hurt. You feel like you were played. All the anger from Kelley not putting effort into your friendship after going to college is coming back full force. "I'm not some Stanford girl you can fuck and then throw out before the sun comes up. Cause we had a genuine connection once, do you remember that?" She closes her eyes. Her face looks a little pained, like she doesn't want to be here, dealing with you at all. "Look, maybe I made a mistake in thinking you could handle this. This clearly meant more to you than it meant to me." It hurts. Kind of like putting alcohol on a raw wound. It burns. You don't like to be emotional though. You thought you were getting better when you began opening up to Kelley. But those days are being ruined by your experience now. You cover up your emotions through humor or anger. And since humor is not an option right now, you have to go to the latter. "Fuck you, Kelley. I'm not some kid anymore that follows you anywhere you go, that looks up to you. You lost the right to tell me how I'm feeling about something when you abandoned me here." You don't know what to do. Wait for her to say something, anything, that's gonna make this better, or have the last word and just leave, avoiding more hurtful words being thrown your way. 

She disappears from your life again. You don't see her, don't hear her voice. She's not out of your head though. It's a lot of 'what-ifs'. What if you hadn't slept with her, just talked? Maybe you'd be friends again. What if you hadn't given up on her when she went to college? What if she had valued you more? It hurts to think about it. And you don't make it better by watching every game she plays. Whether it is for Stanford or Sky Blue, you are always looking for number 5. You listen to her post-game interviews, her podcasts, you read reviews about her playing. You tell Lindsey it's because you can still learn from her, but she knows it's bullshit. 

You're crying, Lindsey is carrying you around the room. "You did it, Son, you freaking did it!" You got called up. Playing for the national team is something that has been floating in front of you all your life, you ran after it, chasing it with every step you took. And now you will be traveling to Florida to train with the team for the first time. "You'll see Kelley.", Lindsey says offhandedly while you are throwing clothes in your suitcase. "Yeah." It wasn't the very first thing you thought about. And maybe not the second either. But maybe the third. You're determined to keep everything professional. You'll treat her just like another teammate, another older and better player you can learn from. This is not about your past relationship, sexual or platonic, cause both of those are over. This is about you earning your spot, proving you are good enough to play with this team. This is the dream you've had since you were a little child. You won't let it be ruined by some former lover of yours. If you can even call her that.

It feels like a blast from the past. You are standing next to Jill, listening to all the things she is saying about you, while also scanning the circle of players. Again, your eyes focus on the shorts with the number 5. You don't dare to look up though. "Kelley has volunteered to show you around a little and explain some things to you. She'll also be your partner today. You two already know each other, so maybe it's good for you to start with a familiar face." Jill doesn't know that you are familiar with way more than Kelley's face. You wonder why Kelley volunteered to be your babysitter. She did so as well when you first joined her team in Georgia, but this is... different. You have a history now.

She still hasn't said a word to you. You pass her the ball over and over again, trying to concentrate on the feeling of it against your foot. "We should talk, soon. Don't worry, I'm not going to make a big thing out of anything, but this team is tight and we like it if conflicts, past or present, get resolved." You just nod. This is her team, for now. She is showing you the ropes and at the moment, as much as you don't like it, you have to follow her. This doesn't have to be awkward. All of that drama was four years ago. You have grown up, you're in college yourself now, have slept with countless other women, have dated some. So this can all be different from four years ago.

You shower and then head over to her room. She told you that she'd be alone. That's good, you don't need any new teammate of you knowing about your past mistakes. At the same time, it makes you nervous. Despite it being late and having just showered, you are wearing jeans and a hoodie. You are not above wearing sweatpants and a worn-out shirt, but only if you are comfortable. And, as much as it hurts to admit it, Kelley doesn't make you feel comfortable anymore. 

"This is not gonna take long. Not if you don't want it to." You sit on the desk of her hotel room and just nod. "I know how long you have been waiting to get here. And you deserve it so much. So I don't want to jeopardize that with a fight we had in the past. I was in the wrong that day, was in the wrong way before that, so this is me apologizing. I'm sorry. We don't have to talk about it, we can pretend that never happened. I'd like to be friends again, at some point, when we can both look past that, cause if you haven't noticed, I've always liked you a lot. But if you don't want to be friends that's okay too." Your feelings for Kelley are gone. You know that. What was left were anger and bitterness. And she is trying to resolve that. Which you appreciate. Maybe trying to be friends again isn't the worst idea. "Yeah, we can try. Being friends I mean. And... thank you. For apologizing and everything." 

You talk again, both of you waiting in the physio room to get treatment. "When coach first introduced you, I thought 'Man, Tobin and Alex will eat her for breakfast.'. But you proved me wrong." You are laying head down on a massage table, so you can't see Kelley's face. "Did you ever think about how young I was? Like, you guys were all almost adults, and in comes this tiny 14-year-old. When you were trying to befriend me I was surprised." It's good to talk about this. Because all those years, no matter how much you thought you knew her, you never got into Kelley's head. You always had to guess what she was thinking, about soccer, about life, about you. "Well, I thought you had talent. You listened when I gave you advice. You were funny and full of life, not scared to get in trouble. And I did think you were kind of cute." This just had to happen at some point. Someone had to make a comment that reminds everyone involved that there was not only friendship between you two. "I mean, you did kiss me. But that was probably more a favor than anything else." You can hear Kelley snort. "Yeah, that's what I told myself as well. I was kinda into you. But you were this kid, the rookie, a teenager, and I was supposed to be the cool adult. It wouldn't have been fair to you. And we wouldn't have worked anyway. That kiss was just... well, first of all, I was a little drunk. But then I just wanted to do it one time, maybe to satisfy my curiosity." You want to point out that what happened instead was even more unfair. But it catches you off guard, the way Kelley just admitted that she liked you. You. The shy and boring kid. 

It is all very reminiscent of the beginning of your friendship in Georgia. Kelley has taken you under her wing, introduces you to her friends, takes you to get coffee with them, visits you in your room and watches movies with you. And you can't help but think, what happens if this is just one giant groundhog day. What if everything happens the same way it happened when you were younger? But you are different. Both of you. Kelley is mature now, more calculated in her actions. You are more cautious. And you still have a lot of unanswered questions. You are not afraid to ask them anymore either. "When you went to college... Did you miss me? Or like, the team in general?" Kelley, who has spent the last couple of minutes trying to set up your switch in your hotel room, looks up at you from her place on the floor. "Of course I did. How could I not, you were my best friend." You are over the resentment you felt all these years. But that answer still stings. "Then why did you never try to stay in touch?" You are surprised by how neutral you sound, like you didn't spend countless nights thinking about it. "I'm not expecting you to understand, Em. Leaving you was not easy, it felt like we had unfinished business, a potential that we didn't explore. And I had these feelings for you that I didn't wanna have. I just wanted to be a normal college kid, partying and drinking and hooking up and not think about you every minute of my day. So I thought it'd be better to just cut you off. I didn't plan for us to lose touch completely, but then you stopped calling, for good reason I assume, and I didn't make an effort myself." It does still hurt to hear that. And she is right, you don't understand. Maybe because you never felt the urge to fit in as much. You chose a college close to home, you love Georgia, love the friends you have there. But maybe Kelley was just destined for greater things, things beyond you and your small town. "Did you ever have... like a girlfriend? Someone you actually dated and didn't just sleep with?" 15 to 18-year-old you has been wondering this every time you were on Kelley's Instagram back then. There was never the same girl twice. Somehow that hurt even more, to know that every girl at that school could get something you couldn't. "Yeah, I did, for a year or so, right before I got drafted. She was a good one, I loved her. But sometimes that's not enough and I wanted to dive headfirst into the world of professional soccer. I felt like maybe she would be holding me back." 

Next camp you get coffee together every morning. Just the two of you, making conversation or just enjoying the quiet before everyone else starts their day. And you notice the way your dynamic changes. You wear sweatpants around her again. You feel comfortable in total silence. You don't feel the need to hide behind humor every time she asks a serious question. You confide in her when you are feeling nervous or anxious about something. You are friends again. "Can I ask you something about that night? When we slept together?" It's the first time Kelley asks you something. You have made peace with the fact that Kelley has completely moved on from your past together and is not questioning anything. But now she looks a little scared, tense might be the better word. "Yeah, sure. Freedom of speech." She gives you a small smile. "Did you know I would be coming?" "Yeah." "And what were you planning to do? Cause you did avoid me all night." You can remember pushing all thoughts about Kelley being there from your mind. You were trying to have a good night. You didn't want it to be ruined by your anger towards your former best friend. "I tried not to think about it. When I saw you though, I knew that I would have trouble interacting with you. So I tried to just get through this one night without talking to you because you'd disappear from my life afterward anyway." Kelley is looking down now. "So then how did you end up in my arms?" That memory makes you smile a little. "Linds pushed me." Kelley's head shoots up. "So you didn't come voluntarily?" "I mean, no, but it's not like I left either. You've always been... kind of like a magnet for me." She is smiling so bright right now, it's almost blinding. "Sonnett, you are charming now, what happened?" You are drawing invisible lines on the table. "I learned a few things in college too." 

And again it shifts. From liking her presence to craving it. From trusting her to wanting to tell her everything. From thinking she looked decent to getting heart-eyes every time she enters the room. And you can feel the way Kelley changes too. She becomes touchy, affectionate, calls you at random times during the day, just to talk to you. It all comes to a close one evening in Georgia.

You are sitting against the goalposts of your first club field. Where you said goodbye to Kelley for a long time. You just finished training. "I'm so proud of you." This time it's Kelley that says it. "Thanks. I couldn't have done it without you. And I mean that." Kelley turns to look at you now. "That's bullshit. Even without me, you would be right where you are now. Cause you deserve it so much, Em." There is this one thing you never talked about. Well, you screamed about it for five minutes. "After we... had sex. Why did you push me away? I wasn't even looking for a relationship, I just wanted to be friends again, have you in my life again. And you didn't even give me the chance to say that." Kelley's head is on your shoulder. "I was scared. Because I wanted a relationship. Still, after those years at Stanford ignoring you, I spent one night with you and I wanted you again. And then we had sex and everything I wanted was so close to becoming a reality. But I was too scared, to return to Stanford and say that I have an 18-year-old girlfriend back home, that I'd tone down the partying, I'd stop hooking up with strangers. And really, that was all I wanted, but I was too concerned with what others would think if I gave up my crafted identity. And it's not like I didn't know that before. But I couldn't resist you and just having sex with you was still in line, just nothing more. And I thought that if I gave myself a chance to see what I could have, you know, waking up next to each other, eating breakfast together, that I wouldn't be able to resist. So I ended it as quickly as possible. And that was so unfair to you. So I'm sorry." 

She's not crying, but her eyes are a little wet. And you realize just how much Kelley has changed. She is sitting here, telling you about her feelings, without being afraid. And you realize how much you changed as well, being able to just sit and listen, not jump to conclusions. Yeah, you two are different, you are healthier. Your relationship is more solid, more mature. But the chemistry, the feelings you have for each other, they haven't changed. "You know, my first kiss, the kiss with you after the bonfire, it's still the best kiss I've ever had." You know what you want. To kiss Kelley. But you don't know how to get it yet. "Really? I'm flattered. I can assure you that I've gotten better though." "Well, I've been waiting for a repeat performance since I was 15..." 

And the kiss is different. Different but soo much better. Cause you aren't standing there like a statue, waiting for Kelley to do something. You pull her closer, actively feel and taste her. You know that you'll get the chance to kiss her again, but still, because you waited so long, you can't help but try to enjoy every second. "Isn't it crazy that you've been to all these places and met all these people and yet you end up with me, a girl from your hometown?", Kelley says after you break away. "Yeah, it is. But I never stopped loving number 5."


End file.
